The small plastic button snapped in half as fingers clutched and wrenched the 
linen shirt. The fabric strained and tore leaving pale skin to bare the marks of
purpled fingerprints. The hands hurt … turning to fists, punching to the point 
where knuckles bled. They unclenched and pushed, cheek grazed and bleeding 
against the rough concrete of the rendered wall … but the real pain was lower … 
this can’t happen … please stop …

Sean tried to make sense of the small sounds in his head; pained and frightened 
noises. Viggo … The muffled noises of distress continued. Sean sat up and tried
to focus in the gloom of darkened bedroom. “Vig?” he whispered, no reply. Still 
asleep, still asleep …He reached out and gently placed his hand on Viggo’s 
shoulder, “Wake up Vig, you’re just dreaming.”

Sean was not sure whether his touch or words that startled Viggo awake, but he 
quickly pulled away from the hand with a strained, “No … please …”

Viggo’s reaction initially shocked Sean, but he quickly realised it was probably
a residual of the dream. He said slowly and quietly, “It’s okay Vig, you were 
dreaming, that’s all.” Viggo looked at him but his expression was of confusion. 
He glanced around the room as if unsure of his surroundings and carefully edged 
to the side of the bed until he was able to slide his legs out and sit on the 
side. 

Sean sat up and looked at Viggo’s hunched form, it was so hard not knowing what 
to do to help. He leant over and carefully rubbed his hand over Viggo’s back, but
Viggo cringed away from Sean’s hand and quickly stood up to avoid any further 
touch.

Sean reached over and flicked the bedside lamp on. Squinting a little at the 
sudden light he said in a soft but worried voice, “Viggo?”

Viggo partly turned toward Sean and then shook his head and walked out of the 
bedroom. He stood in the kitchen feeling lost and disconnected from his 
surroundings. Viggo desperately wanted the comfort Sean offered, but couldn’t 
face him … the other touch was still too clear in his mind. Too damaged for Sean.

He took a glass from the draining rack and poured a glass of water; appalled at 
how his hand was shaking he tipped the water back into the sink untouched. He 
stood and watched the water slowly drain through the old and ineffective plumbing
until he heard a quiet voice behind him, “Come back to bed Vig.”

Viggo didn’t know what to say, how to explain so he simply nodded and accepted 
the gentle hand resting on his arm guiding him back to the bedroom. 

Sean had not been sure if the touch would be welcome when he saw Viggo standing 
silently staring into the sink, but he didn’t know how else to react. He 
purposely kept his touch light, guiding rather than gripping.

When they reached the bedroom Viggo got into the bed without any further words of
encouragement and carefully pulled the covers up facing away from Sean.A sickness
invaded Sean’s stomach as he looked at Viggo’s back. He crawled into bed as 
carefully as he could and made sure he was close but not touching. “Try to get 
some sleep Vig,” Sean said in a deceptively calm voice.He was met with silence.

It hurt that he couldn’t touch him … that he couldn’t hold him. Not for the first
time Sean felt in over his head, he didn’t know how to deal with this, how do I 
tell him it’s all right when I don’t know what the fuck is wrong.

~*~

Sean went straight into the back room of the shop leaving Viggo to wander up to 
his chair among the used books. Orlando leant against the counter and watched the
two men. He frowned, not good, and walked to the door of the kitchen, “What’s 
happened Sean? What’s up with Vig?”

Sean stood at the sink with his back to Orlando and said, “Leave it Orlando, 
okay. Viggo had a bad night is all.”

The tone of Sean’s voice and the shape of his back convinced Orlando to try 
elsewhere for answers. He quietly walked to the second hand book alcove where 
Viggo was sitting, legs tucked under him, staring into space. Orlando sat in 
‘his’ chair, like he had done so many times before, and waited until Viggo turned
to look at him. “What happened Vig?”

Viggo returned his gaze to the bookshelf and said softly with a shrug, “Ghosts.”

Orlando nodded, even though he had no idea of what Viggo meant. Viggo sighed, 
turned back and said, “I’m okay Orlando … just a dream is all.”

“Wanna tell me about it?” Orlando asked, but Viggo just shook his head. “You know
you can Vig, talk to me about stuff I mean. Man, you know everything there is to
know about me.”

Viggo gave a little smile and said, “Yeah, I think I do.”

Orlando grinned, “Yeah yeah, I like to talk and you are a great listener.” His 
smile slipped a bit as he added more seriously, “You never judge me Vig … I’m 
sure Sean will listen too if you give him a chance.”

Sean will listen, but he won’t understand, Viggo didn’t voice his thoughts.

Orlando watched Viggo carefully and knew he had pushed enough for now. He leant 
over and gave Viggo a little kiss on the shoulder knowing it would be barely felt
through the fabric of the shirt and said, “Okay Vig, I’ll give you peace yeah? We
still on for lunch?”

Viggo smiled and nodded as Orlando got up and left him to settle in the safety of
his chair.


~*~

While Orlando sat with Viggo quietly eating their lunch, Sean took the 
opportunity to slip out of the shop with the excuse of grocery shopping. He felt
like he needed the air, needed to get away for a few minutes to clear his head. 
The previous night had scared Sean more than he cared to admit. 

Trying to decide between the red and green peppers gave Sean something mundane to
think about. The market was always quieter at this time of day and it gave his a
chance to wander around the stalls and pretend his life was normal.

He looked up from the produce when a woman walked past and commented on the 
ever-escalating prices. They made eye contact briefly and Sean recognised her 
from the shelter.

She smiled at him, “Hello again, did you find the man with the sketchbook?”

“Viggo, yeah I found him thanks.” Sean replied, a little surprised that she 
remembered.

“Good, I’m pleased to hear it,” she gave a single nod and turned back to the 
tutting at the price of the broccoli.

Sean hesitated for a second, absently rubbing his thumb over the pepper in his
hand, then asked, “Um … would you mind joining me for a coffee? I really would 
appreciate some advice.”

The woman gave Sean a searching look before answering, “Sure, meet you next door
after the checkout.”


~*~


He looked at the plastic coated red and white check tablecloth while she gave the
waitress her order. Running the edge of his fingernail along the line of the 
intersections and watched the indentation slowly smooth out again. She noticed 
how unsure Sean looked and said cheerily, “I’m Barbara and thank you for the 
invite… it’s not often I get picked up in the market these days.”

Sean broke into a relieved smile, “I’m Sean.”

“Hello Sean, lovely to meet to,” she replied giving him the chance to control the
conversation.

The smile slipped from his face as he said quietly, “I’m not sure how to do this
or even what to ask, but I …”

“Is Viggo doing all right?” Barbara interrupted.

“If you’d asked me that yesterday I would have said yes, but today … I don’t 
know.”

Barbara gave Sean a long look, trying to fathom how to broach the subject; in the
end she decided to opt for blunt honesty, “Tell me one thing Sean; what kind of 
relationship do you want with Viggo?”

Sean felt the colour rise in his face but answered, “I want … I want us to be,
um … together.”

“Okay, now I have to ask; do you really know what you are in for here?”

The question startled Sean a little and he tortured the tablecloth for a moment
longer before answering, “I thought I did, but no, that’s why I am talking to you
I guess.” He hated admitting that he couldn’t control the situation, asking for
help wasn’t in his nature.

She nodded understanding how difficult this conversation was for Sean and 
softened her tone, “So what happened to change your opinion since yesterday?”

Sean rolled his eyes and gave a small mirthless chuckle, “Seems daft in daylight,
but he, Viggo, had a dream last night that, umm … upset him. He didn’t want me to
touch him and wouldn’t talk … I didn’t know what to do.”

Barbara gave him a sad look, “I don’t know how long Viggo has been on the streets
or what drove him there, but he is going to need a lot of patience Sean. Things 
can happen out there that we would have trouble understanding.”

Sean nodded thoughtfully, “He was beaten pretty badly a while back, but this 
seemed different.”

“Some things are more difficult to get over than others. Sean, you have to 
understand that Viggo falls into the unfortunate category of the chronic 
homeless, and they are often there for reasons other than economic.” Sean felt 
his stomach clench at the labelling of Viggo, but he nodded for her to continue.
“Many of these people, particularly the men, have trouble dealing with their
situation as well as their reason for being there. Okay, I know I’m generalising,
but most men would hate being seen as a victim and that’s what these men have
become. To compensate many adopt a fight or flight mentality.”

Sean frowned and interrupted, “I can’t see Viggo fighting.”

Barbara smiled at Sean’s instant defence of Viggo, “I know, from what I remember
he was often withdrawn and tried to avoid any contact when he visited the 
shelter. So what I mean is, he falls into ‘flight’ because he withdraws into 
himself.”

“Or runs,” Sean said softly.

Barbara looked at him for a moment before repeating, “… or runs. Either way Sean,
try to talk to him. You need to be honest and up front about things so he knows 
where he stands. Ask him questions if you want to know what’s wrong, let him know
you don’t expect an answer straight away, but you are there if he wants to talk.
Give him space and time.”

She hesitated for a minute, unsure to whether ask the next question, but she knew
it was important for Sean’s sake, “I am assuming you have a sexual relationship 
with Viggo?”

He did not want to have this conversation, but he nodded and took a mouthful of 
tea.

Tread carefully, Barbara told herself, “As I said before Sean, things happen on 
the street that we might not understand and safe sex is not always an option.” 
She paused and watched Sean’s reaction before saying, “You have to make sure you
are safe Sean.”

The muscles in Sean’s jaw tightened at her words and he thought back to his first
time with Viggo … I might not be safe. He closed his eyes briefly and then said 
quietly, “Viggo was worried about that the first time we …” He let the sentence 
trail off.

Barbara gave him a smile and said, “He sounds like a good man Sean, don’t hold it
against him, he not have had any choice. Try to get him to a doctor if you can.”

Sean wanted to answer, but his throat closed and he just nodded instead. Barbara
gave him time to take in what she’s said and perused the display of cakes and 
slices.

After a drink and a ‘breather’ Sean was able to say, “He’s tired all the time. He
doesn’t say anything, but he frequently dozes off during the day and I know 
sometimes he aches.”

“Oh Sean, that doesn’t have to mean there is anything wrong. Could very well be 
the result of poor nutrition and disrupted sleep patterns. Life can be pretty 
brutal on the body when there is never enough to eat and the warmest place to 
sleep is under a bridge. Get him on a vitamin and mineral supplement, but if he 
needs to sleep don’t worry it’s either his body or his mind needing to shut down
for a little while.”

Tears prickle the back of Sean’s eyes and, embarrassed, he looked back at the 
tablecloth.

Barbara could see he was overwhelmed and struggling to keep control, but she had
to risk asking, “So how are you doing?”

Sean rubbed his fingers over his eyes and took a deep breath, he picked up his 
cup and gave a mirthless chuckle, “I suddenly wish it was more than tea in here.”

Barbara laughed a little and ran her hand over Sean’s arm, “I’m not going to kid
you Sean, it’s not going to be easy and it may not work out. So you need to 
decide is he worth all this?”


~*~

The shop was relatively quiet when Sean pushed the door open, but he could hear 
Orlando babbling away about something at the back of the shop. “Just me,” he
called out and walked towards the voice. 

Orlando was in the middle of a very animated monologue about a bicycle mishap he
had when he was nine while Viggo sat eating his half of an apple. Sean smiled at
Viggo’s intense expression as he listened about scraped knees and dented pride. 
He was worth it. 

*****